A Thousand Whys
by callmesandy
Summary: The thirteen months Kensi thought Deeks was dead, how she found out he wasn't, and the part before that where they got married in a week. A warning for major character death - for the parts where Kensi thinks he is. And yes, there will be a sequel, promise!
1. Chapter 1

_No profit garnered, all characters not mine. Title, quote, and chapter titles from the Leona Naess song "Heavy Like Sunday." The dress Hetty refers to: peopleparties/modelsearch/person4424/slideshow?iphoto=608  
The Beyonce song is Ave Maria. Thanks to J, Tigs, Topaz and Pene for awesome beta action._

_I wanna be your reason why  
I'm heavy like Sunday  
I wanna be your alibi_

_And friends make better lovers  
'Cause they look you in the eye  
And they'll put you in the middle  
Of a thousand whys_

Kensi is absolutely sure she can do this. She's also absolutely sure she'll be convinced she can't in half an hour. She'd better act now. She grins and the baby smiles back at her.

It's her first weekend morning with no help. No one is even scheduled to check up on her. She has to get everything done by herself. Which is harder than it sounds, she thinks. She just had a baby 12 weeks ago. "Not going to be so hard on myself," she says out loud. The baby looks up at her from the bed, smiling more at her voice. "You like it when I'm positive, I think. Good choice, kiddo."

No diaper change needed so she grabs the sling and starts putting the baby in it. "Okay, around here, and tighten here and thank you for cooperating," she says. The baby giggles. Or gurgles. Both.

"We got this," she says. "We are going outside to get the mail."

She hums _the Battle Hymn of the Republic_ because it makes her smile. She does in fact make the entire short walk to the where the mail is without dropping the baby or tripping and she did remember the mailbox key and she does have mail. "It would have been pretty anticlimactic if there hadn't been something," she says.

She stands at the box and opens envelopes, waving paper at the baby. The baby follows things with her eyes.

Kensi opens the packet from Nell, mail to her aliases. The first letter she pulls out is addressed to Occupant. Her knees shake and she sits down on the sidewalk, the ground. She drops everything else and realizes she is hugging the poor baby tightly with her now free hand.

"Oh my god," she whispers. Her beautiful, smart, perfect little girl is crying, loudly.

One of her neighbors opens her door and looks out at hysterical Kensi and crying baby. Kensi takes three deep breaths and stands up. "Sorry," she says. "Crazy-just-had-a-baby lady gets teary about Hallmark cards." She forces herself to smile and walks back to her house.

Somehow, she makes it to the couch. She keeps looking at the letter and down at the baby. "Oh, God," she says. "Prairie-bug, I think your dad is alive."

It was a Thursday. She remembered that part. The case had wrapped up at 9 am: 30 hours of stakeout, 15 minutes of gunfire. Hetty let them go home and Kensi actually fell asleep before they were even undressed. When she woke up, Deeks was tracing tiny circles on her hip. She said, "We should have sex now."

"Absolutely," he said. He didn't actually move, though.

"Are you already tired of me?"

"Absolutely impossible," he said. "I am damn tired, though. Can you give me a minute, maybe three?"

"Sure," she said. "Maybe this is a good time for some of your professional development." She took off her shirt and rolled onto her back.

"Really?" He said. "We're still on that."

"You don't take one class and not really take it and be done with it. So, what would you do if you had to let someone know you were not dead?"

He laughed. "I'd call you."

"You can't just call me," she said. "Then the bad guys will know that I know you're not dead or the bad guys will know you're not dead. Think professional."

"I'd send you a postcard. 'dear fern, thinking of you.'" He sat up and took off his shirt, and shimmied out of his pants and underwear. He was awfully pretty in his way.

"Wrong again. Your postcard will stand out, you have to assume if people are watching you, they would be watching me. Calling me 'Fern' isn't exactly stealth." She sat up and hugged him from behind. "I am going to explain to you how to do this right, all the variations, and then you are going to repeat it back to me, and then -"

"We are going to have curl-your-toes, apologize-to-the-neighbors-for-the-noise sex."

She kissed his neck and said, "I believe we have a plan."

Kensi runs her fingers over the letter, stares at it, tries to breathe. It's everything she told him to do. Prairie is still crying so she folds up the letter and puts it down. First things first, she thinks. Prairie first. As she bounces the baby all she can think is he's alive, he's alive, Marty's alive.

XXXX

"To trust," Kensi said, raising her glass. Deeks smiled back at her and they clinked together, his bottle to her glass.

"We had a good day, for sure," he said. "Good day for partners." He sipped his beer and licked his lips. They'd been partners for five months and she was actually willing to acknowledge that he could be judged attractive. Maybe. Maybe she found him attractive. As long as he didn't say stupid things.

"You know what would be great for partner bonding? We should have sex," he said.

Like that, she thought. Stupid things like that. "Are you kidding?"

"Not at all," he said. He leaned forward. He really did have pretty eyes. Kensi thought she needed to stop drinking right now. Deeks did not have pretty eyes. They were a nice color, sure. But not actually pretty.

He said, "You strike me as a woman who actually has casual sex."

"You mean like a slut?" She almost laughed. Someone had refilled her whiskey. She took a tiny sip.

"Not in the slightest. I don't like that word, it's sexist."

She did laugh at that. "You object to things that are sexist?"

"Yes, I do. I bet that I have had sex with way more people than you. But no one calls me a slut. Even if you've only had sex with, like, 10 guys, people start throwing around that word with women. How come you're a slut and I'm not? Totally sexist."

"How many people have you had sex with? I trust," she said, emphasizing the word, "that you wouldn't lie to me or exaggerate. And I know you count."

"I don't have a black book or anything like that. But yes, I know the number."

"How are you counting sex?" She'd finished her whiskey. She turned the glass over so no one refilled it. She was already starting to feel stupid. Not drunk, just stupid. Like wondering what Deeks would look like naked stupid.

"Uh, I'm being a traditionalist. Since I've only had sex with women, I'm going with babymaking sex. Minus any babies, thank god."

"And," she said. "What's the number?"

"Will you tell me yours?"

"You first," she said.

"86," he said. He smiled. "And you?"

"Wow," she said. "You are a total slut."

He smiled at her. It was a stupid, smug smile. Like he knew she was going to cave, tell her his number, go home with him, sleep with him. She said, "48."

"You are not a slut. Are you lying to me? Shading up? Down?"

"Fine, it's 49."

He laughed. "You don't want me to be 50. I'm gonna be, though. I see it in your eyes. You have not said no, Kensi."

"I haven't said yes," she said. "You think I have casual sex, for real."

He said, "Some people say they do, male and female. But really, it's not actual casual. You seem like the sort of woman who really does just do it. Walk away. Not lying when they say they don't care if you call."

"But you are going to call, I mean, we'll still be partners. We'll see each other every day."

"And maybe we'll do it again, and maybe we won't," he said. "But it seems like a good idea."

"It really doesn't," she said.

"It's okay if we don't," he said. He smiled wider. "Seriously."

"That's good," she said. She stood up. "But let's do it anyway."

"You are so cute," he said. He held her at the waist and she didn't step on his toe.

She was going to tell him his place was too neat when they got inside but then he was kissing her, she was kissing him back. She was going to have to save her jokes for after.

She had been pretty convinced she would find his beard irritating and it wasn't. Somehow it was even maybe soft. His face, his lips were soft and she felt unprepared. She was totally, completely, absolutely turned on, like a wave about to hit and knock her over. Bad idea, bad idea. She'd had a friend in college who'd described every hot guy she saw as "making her toes and fingers tingle." Kensi had always thought that was so romance novel or the onset of some kind of disease but she was tugging at Deeks's belt and she didn't exactly trust her hands.

Deeks stopped kissing her. He said, "You still good?"

She knew if she said something, he'd stop and leave and never hold it against her or bring it up. She did trust him that much. So she said, "I'll be perfect once you get a condom." He stepped away, laughing, and she found his bed. It was nicely made. She pulled off her clothes. "Freak," she said.

"What?"

"Your apartment is so clean and your bed is made, you make me laugh," she said.

He looked down at her, his knees against the edge of bed. "I'll take it," he said. "We're going to talk later about why you find basic adult cleanliness so amusing." She opened her legs and leaned back on her elbows. "Later," he said, the tiniest wavering tone in his voice. She definitely loved that.

It was incredibly satisfying, totally fingers and toes tingling awesome sex. She fell asleep, happily exhausted. Good idea, she thought.

She woke up anxious and worried. She was on the wrong side of the bed. She'd slept with her incredibly irritating partner. She would basically die of embarrassment if Sam ever found out. She slipped out of bed and gathered her clothes without waking Deeks. She was getting dressed in the dark in his living room when something took a deep, rattling breath.

Deeks turned on the light in the kitchen. She said, "Did you hear that?"

"That's Monty," he said. "C'mere, Monty."

He had a dog. A very scruffy dog who moved very slowly towards Deeks. Who was naked. She blinked. She said, "How did I not know you had a dog? You talk about everything. You spent twenty minutes yesterday talking about how you pick out your wax for your surfboards or whatever."

He shrugged. "Monty just didn't come up." He clearly loved the mutt.

"You were hiding your dog from me?"

"We're not having sex again, are we?"

"No," she said. "Sorry, I mean, I just think it would be a bad idea. Also, what else are you hiding?"

He smiled and said, "I guess you'll find out eventually. I still think this was a good idea."

She had all her clothes back on. "I agree with that," she said. "One time, good idea. More than that, awful." She walked out.

And it was fine. Totally fine. She was able to just be partners with him, he didn't bring any of it up. He did start talking about Monty, way more than she ever wanted to know. As much as she appreciated Monty.

Sometimes, she thought about his body naked and the way he had made her feel when he went down on her (very very very very very good) and sometimes she just wanted to strangle him.

She really couldn't pin down exactly when she fell in love with him.


	2. let's just get marred

They were at yet another loud bar. Deeks could always find the loud ones and somehow, wherever they were in Los Angeles, he knew someone or knew someone who knew someone at some bar.

She just didn't want to go home. She thought about Renko and so many dead and wondered why she agreed to come out drinking.

Kensi said, "So what's your number now?"

He looked at her hands and did his contemplative finger pulling. (Deeks had many hand fidget tells; contemplative, nervous, pissed but not admitting it, scared for his life, scared for her life, thinking of a joke, and her favorite, no reason at all.) He said, "We're admitting that happened now."

"Yes," she said. "We never weren't. We were just being casual."

He smiled. He said, "98."

She looked at him and thought in her head. "Oh my God," she said, "you slept with Ava."

He laughed. "You figured that out just now? From my number?"

"Yes," she said. She felt drunk, tired, and gross. She said, "I can't believe I'm so upset with you about this." Also she felt honest, apparently. She hadn't planned to admit that.

"Yeah, wow," he said. That was the hand fidget that said 'I have no idea what's happening now.'

"You slept with Ava? Really?"

"Really," he said. "I picked her up from the hospital after you dislocated my finger, let her stay with me for a few days."

She said, "I didn't dislocate anything on you. I'm kinda angry and kinda jealous. You're not still talking to her, are you?"

"Wow, again," he said. He was a little taken aback, she thought. But not exactly mad. They were both surprised at her bursts of honesty, she thought. He said, "We do still email, sure. She's seeing someone, not that it's your business. We're friends."

"I know," she said. "I'm being super weird." She looked down at her hands. "Sorry."

"You are being weird, but in a really fun way.. I like it," he said. "And your number?"

"You tell me," she said. "I'm sure you know. I knew yours except for stupid Ava."

"She's not stupid," he said. "And fine, assuming you were telling the truth when you told me I was 50, you're at 63."

She smiled. "And you're right. We know each other really well in some incredibly creepy ways."

He did a hand fidget finger pulling thing that seemed deeply felt but she couldn't quite figure out. The bar was loud and she hated the song that was playing.

He looked her in the eye and said, "You know, and maybe this is weird, but I would be happy if I never slept with anyone else again. I just want you."

She felt herself smiling, like something that bubbled up from her fingertips to the back of her neck. "Did you just propose? Cause that would be really weird."

He smiled. "I think I just did, yeah."

"Did you mean to?" She really hoped he meant to.

"Um," he said. "I mean it now. And it would be helpful if you would answer, by the way."

"You're stupid," she said. She pushed the table aside and sat on his lap, arms around his neck, kissing him. "Yes," she said. They were kissing again. "Also, yes. And thank you for asking first."

He said, "Cause we both know you never would have?"

She made a face of agreement. She said, "Do we really want to just jump to the wedding? I didn't mean to force your hand, there."

"Nothing forced about this hand. I mean, what are we going to do? Go out on dates and talk about our childhoods? We already know all that. I think we're kind of all or nothing, here." He smiled at her and they went back to kissing.

The waitress rapped on the table and said, "No sex in the bar. Or in our bathrooms. Or out in the back. Go home, go down the block, but don't do it here."

"Okay," she said, getting up. "Going home."

"Calling a cab," he said.

"You feel too drunk to drive?"

He kissed her and then said, "Too happy."

They were alternating between making out and staring at each other, laughing, when the cab pulled up. Deeks gave his address and she sat on his lap. It was a really nice ride until the cab stopped suddenly.

"No sex in the cab, get out now," the cab driver growled.

Deeks was still laughing but she was pissed. Happy and pissed. She stumbled out of the cab and said, "We weren't having sex. Look, my jeans are still on, same with him."

The cab driver rolled his eyes. He held his hand out.

"Really?" Deeks pulled out his wallet and she took the fare out from his cash. "Okay," Deeks said.

"We already had sex," she said. "Three times tonight. I just met this guy two hours ago. I don't think I remember his name." She smiled at Deeks. "What is it?"

"Patrick," he said. "Remember, you said your name was Patricia and it was destiny we have sex in the bathroom."

"I said I was Patricia? Huh," she said. She handed the cab driver his cash. "Here you go. Keep the change. All fifteen cents."

The cab peeled out. Deeks took her hand and tugged her up the stairs. "You are in a weird mood, Patricia," he said.

"He irritated me," she said.

"Is this gonna ruin the mood?" They were in his living room, and Monty was already nudging the back of her knee to say hello.

"No," she said. "We're still getting married, right?"

He looked a little dazed but she was pretty sure she had the same expression. He said, "We are. And having sex now, right?"

"Yeah," she said. "But I like this, too. Just hanging, knowing we have the rest of our lives for sex," she shrugged and snuggled closer in his arms, "and everything."

"We have very dangerous jobs," he said.

"You mean, we should really really have sex now?"

"As soon as we're back in the bedroom. We can't have sex in the living room, it's Monty's domain."

She said, "Domain?"

"I had this whole talk with his therapist, Monty feels like the living room is his place so when I have sex in here, it feels like a threat to his dominance and he gets really sad -"

"Okay," Kensi said. "Stop. Bedroom it is." She turned around and kissed Monty's scruffy forehead. "No sex in the living room, Monty, I got it."

Deeks was looking at her with that dazed, adoring look. "I feel like that, too," she said.

"Really in love with you? That's pretty arrogant of you, Kensi, cause if you love yourself that much -"

She felt younger, not just because she kept actually giggling in happiness, but like years had lifted off her shoulders.

She woke up and looked over at Deeks who was not there. She sat up. He walked into the room, clearly straight from a run with Monty, smiling and happy. "No," he said, "I didn't get your engagement ring yet, but I spent a long time browsing at a 7-11."

"We're still getting married?"

"I hope so," Deeks said. Monty jumped on the bed and sat down next to her. "Monty's going to be sad if you decided to say no."

"And you'll be crushed," she said.

"And you, right?"

"Yeah," she said. "I'd much rather be engaged. So, if you're getting the engagement ring, I'll get the wedding rings."

Deeks said, "Tomorrow for the wedding? I don't think today gives you enough time to talk to your mom."

"Good point," she said. She should call her mother. "And Hetty."

"We should absolutely talk to her," Deeks said. "She and Monty and you are basically the only people I need there."

"Monty isn't technically 'people.' And my mom," Kensi said. "And Sam and Callen. And Nell. Eric. Nate if anyone can find him."

"The invite list is exploding," Deeks said. He kissed her. "We should also talk to Hetty as professionals who report to her."

She grimaced. "I hope that part doesn't end badly."

"We won't get fired. Worst case scenario, they send me back to LAPD, right? I have to tell you, as someone who's about to become the recipient of my death benefits and life insurance, I actually got shot at a lot less before NCIS."

She kissed him. They were kissing a lot and she liked it. "I like you best as my partner in all things," she said. "Let's get to work early and talk to Hetty."

XXXX

Thirty minutes later they were sitting in front of her. "So," Hetty said.

"We're getting married," she said. She grabbed Deeks's hand.

"To each other," Deeks said.

"For real," Kensi said.

Hetty looked down at her tea cup and looked like she was suppressing a smile. Then she gave in and laughed. She said, "Congratulations. I assume the romantic part of your relationship is new, yes?"

"Last night new, yeah," Kensi said. "Before we get into the scary work part, we want to get married, like, this week, and -"

"I pretty much only care that you're there, and Monty and Kensi, though Kensi had this whole list of people she wants at the wedding," Deeks said.

She squeezed his hand. "6 people is not a huge list," she said.

"I didn't say huge," he said.

Hetty silenced them with a look. She was still smiling. She said, "I wonder if you'd let me make you two a gift, from me, of the wedding. I haven't planned a wedding between two people who were really in love since 1983. And it was devilishly hard to find the materials I wanted in Madagascar."

"That would be awesome," Kensi said.

"Absolutely. Does this mean I can wear one of those sweet tuxedos -"

"Absolutely not, Mr. Deeks. No clothes from ops." She moved her tea cup aside. "I need to start planning now. I assume Kensi's 6 people are your mother, the team and Nate?"

Kensi nodded. Hetty said, "Good. Do make sure to tell her before I call her, Kensi." She shooed them both away to their desks.

Deeks sat down at his desk, looking a little shell-shocked. "Is it just me, or did we not at all get to the scary work issues?"

"We did not," Kensi said very very quietly. "Let's not remind her."

"Call your mother," he said. "Anything Hetty wants, she gets."

"And that's different from the usual how?" She got her phone and walked into the locker room. Her mother was surprised but pleased. Pleased that Kensi had called her so quickly most of all.

She closed her phone and walked back to their desks. Callen and Sam had arrived and clearly, Deeks had told them.

Sam turned to her and said, "Really, Kensi? Deeks? Him?"

Deeks laughed. "Ha, funny. That's an Arrested Development joke, right?"

Sam said, "Your development is definitely arrested, yes."

"No, the show," Deeks said. "On the show, when they talked about George Michael's girlfriend, it was that exact same inflection. Or you don't know the show, and you really just have that kind of contempt for me." He looked a little crushed.

"Contempt is a strong word," Sam said.

"I hope so, because we can yank your invite," Kensi said. "Why don't we settle for friendly joshing around among, uh, friends?"

"Fine," Sam said. He smiled at Deeks. "I better be invited."

"Of course," Kensi said.

Sam hugged her and whispered "Congratulations, and you could do a lot better."

Callen was just staring at the two of them, still. He looked at Kensi and finally said, "Are you taking his name?"

Deeks said, "Yeah, Kensi, are you?"

She sat down at her desk. "I don't know, I hadn't really thought about it. Now I am and I think I will."

"Then you have to stop calling me Deeks," he said.

"That's too confusing," Callen said. "What if we're out in the field and I have orders for Kensi and -"

"And you would say 'Kensi' like you always do," Deeks said. "But seriously, if you're taking my name, you have to start calling me 'Marty.' When we have a litter of little assassins fighting for good, if you're still calling me 'Deeks' it's gonna be super confusing for them. It might slow their amazing mutant development. Think of the children, Kensi."

"Do we have to call you 'Marty?' I'm not agreeing to that," Sam said.

"Only Kensi," Deeks said.

"Okay, I'll try," she said. She smiled. "Marty." She shuddered. "It feels weird coming out of my mouth."

Deeks smirked. "I am so glad we're engaged that I will not make a joke about what you just said. And it's a name, it's my name. I would like you to use my name."

"I am! I do, Deeks is one of your names and I just promised to permanently add it to mine."

"Is it going to be like this all the time?" Callen looked disgruntled.

Sam said, "Is this any different from our normal mornings? Are you having trouble with change, G?"

"I think I am," Callen said. "I acknowledge it's more of an incremental change. Since they're just putting a ring on it, it being their partnership. But, I just didn't see this coming."

"It's okay," Deeks said. "Me neither, man."

XXXX

Hetty really did arrange everything. It was a little disconcerting, but Kensi had never been someone who dreamed of some perfect white wedding with stallions and 10 feet trains and big cakes. She had gone through those motions when she was engaged to Jack but that felt like a lifetime ago.

Hetty had promised her really good cake.

She managed to box up most of her stuff to move in to Marty's over the course of three days. He clearly had the nicer apartment and it's not like Monty was good with change. She tried to think Marty, Marty, so she would say it and make him happy. She didn't really have many things and she didn't care about most of her furniture. Everything she cared about still fit in one box.

"I'm looking around, enjoying this moment," Deeks said. He was watching her opening her boxes. "I know my apartment will never look this neat again."

"It's going to look lived in, not like some perfect sterile petri dish."

"It's really frightening that you think my apartment looks sterile. I call it more of a things put away in their place look."

"Ha ha. Isn't it our apartment now?"

"Sure," he said. "In two days when we get married. At an undisclosed location - am I the only one getting a little nervous about letting Hetty plan all this?"

"Eh," she said. "She's having so much fun, I'm sure it'll be awesome."

"You weren't really pleased with her Christmas gift picking skills," he said.

"Thank you for reminding me," she said. Then Monty came over and nudged her knee and Marty smiled at her. "As long as you two are there, I think it will be fine."

The whole team and Kensi's mom met at the Mission early Saturday morning where four SUVs were parked. Hetty had programmed the destination into all the GPSes. Monty, who had been spirited off to the groomers Friday night, was waiting patiently in a crate in the back of the SUV Hetty pointed Kensi and Deeks towards. "Do we have other luggage?" Kensi looked back at Hetty who was getting into the passenger side of an SUV that Kensi's mom would be driving.

"Yes," Hetty said. "It's in the other cars. Along with everyone's clothes for the ceremony and reception. Also, you two will be spending the night while the rest of us are coming back tonight. And I mean you, Mr. Beale." She glared at Eric. "You will not be staying to surf, understood?"

"Oh, I do love Hetty," Deeks said as he got in on the passenger side. Kensi liked a man who let her drive, even with the constant remarks about how Kensi's driving sucked. "We're going somewhere with surfing," he said.

"Pismo Beach," Kensi said, checking on the GPS. "I've never been to Pismo."

"It's pretty nice," Deeks said. "I'm glad she's not sending us somewhere really pricey. I think I'd feel guilty."

"I wouldn't," Kensi said. "Let Monty out, I know he likes to ride next to you."

When they got to their destination in Pismo, she wondered if Hetty had commandeered a private residence. She saw a few people bustling around, maybe a cook and some waiters, a woman she didn't recognize wearing a hairdresser's apron, but no sign of actual staff.

"Maybe it's usually a safe house," Marty said, putting the leash on Monty.

"Oh my God, maybe Hetty owns this place."

"I promise not to spill anything," Marty said.

"You better not," she said.

"You're the one who leaves a place a mess and tracks blood everywhere," he said.

"Really," Hetty said. She had walked up like a ninja out of nowhere. "Even on your wedding day, the same loving talk."

"It's very loving," Deeks said. He kissed Kensi on the cheek and she was turned on just by that.

"Yes, I see," Hetty said, smiling. "Now, Kensi, you come with me, Mr. Deeks, you head inside that door with Monty and Mrs. Edwards will take care of you. Mrs. Edwards is also the officiant, so if you had any requests you can tell her. I decided on traditional vows, a little cleaned up - you can save the personal ones for private."

"You thought I'd go on too long and Kensi's would be, like, three words?" Marty smiled. "Or worse, she'd try to make a joke."

Kensi stuck her tongue out at him as Hetty lead her around the back.

The women had their hair and make-up done by three women Hetty's age who obviously all knew Hetty from her Hollywood days. The oldest one did Kensi's hair, sighing about how thick and strong it was. "You've never dyed it, have you? Oh, child, promise me you won't ever," the woman said.

The dress was gorgeous, according to Hetty, straight from the runway in Milan. "Alberta Ferretti," Hetty said, reverently. "Karlie Kloss wore this on the runway, so of course, I've had to make alterations in the bust and length."

"I don't recognize either of those names," Kensi said.

"That's okay," Hetty said. "I can see you love the dress, that's all I care about."

She felt a little displaced from the world, she wasn't used to being this happy and pampered. Her mother hugged her and then walked ahead of her into the dining room, sniffling a little. Deeks was standing by a table with two tiered red cake. Red, she thought, is a weird color for a wedding cake.

Then she was focused on him and his very sharp suit and the look on his face.

Later, she would only remember what Mrs. Edwards looked like from the pictures Eric and Callen took. The woman had a very pleasant voice and she read the generic wedding service, pared down to the bare essentials. Kensi said her vows, staring up at Deeks.

His were identical except he promised to love, honor and obey as everyone, including Mrs. Edwards, laughed.

Monty had their rings on a ribbon tied to his collar. They put them on each other, they kissed, people clapped. The best part of her life started right there.

The cake was some kind of rich strawberry deliciousness. Hetty told them it was time to dance and hit a button on the remote she carried. "I don't know this song," Kensi said.

"Me either," Deeks said. She fit perfectly in his arms, once things were settled, she thought.

"I think it's Beyonce," Kensi said. "It's pretty." Beyonce was singing "You are my heaven on earth." The sound system was incredible, it sounded like Beyonce was singing two feet from them.

"Glad it's not Lady GaGa," Marty said.

And everything was just right. She lost her words because glad or content or happy seemed inadequate.

The eight of them sat talking after all the food had been cleared and the cake decimated. Then Hetty stood up and clapped her hands. "It's time for us to go, you two have the bedroom upstairs. There is staff here to clean, and they will serve a breakfast when you rise and lunch if you want. Make sure you leave tomorrow in enough time to be at work on time on Monday."

"There are no words," Kensi said, hugging Hetty. "Thank you doesn't even cover it."

"It's more than enough for me," Hetty said. Deeks hugged her and they exchanged very very quiet words Kensi never asked him about.


	3. let's leave those dark days behind

"And what is Marty's job? The one I tell my friends," Julia said. She wanted to have a little party, introduce them to her people.

"LAPD," he said. They were having a nice Saturday night dinner with her mom at Marty's favorite super local burger place.

"And I'm a lowly clerk, administrative staff for the Navy," Kensi said.

"I know," her mom said. "I promise, that's what I've been telling them. They're all very eager to meet you."

Marty said, "So this is, like, your friends from work and, uh -"

"My second marriage?" Julia smiled easily. Kensi envied her mom's calm.

He said, "Sorry, I feel like I should have asked earlier."

Kensi said, "Or I should have told you."

"It's okay. I met Michael through my work," Julia said. "We helped his synagogue plan a celebration, he was widowed, no kids, I was divorced, we hit it off."

"You invited me to the wedding," Kensi said. "Sorry again about not coming or writing."

"I got to go to yours," she said. She really did look okay with that. "Sadly, Michael died five years ago. He wasn't feeling well for a few weeks. I made him go to the doctor. The doctor said it was pancreatic cancer, and two weeks later he was dead."

"I'm sorry," Marty said.

"It was pretty awful," Julia said. She smiled again. "And now I can introduce you two to all the people who helped me through that. So please come."

"Our pleasure," Kensi said. She looked at Marty and said, "What does she say if they ask what you do for the LAPD? I don't think undercover -"

"Undercover extraordinaire," he said. "Actually, if someone asks, technically, I think you say K9 trainer."

Kensi said, "That's what you tell people? You're a dog trainer for LAPD?"

"Yes," he said. "I would be a great dog trainer, by the way." He reached for the check. "Not that I've actually had people to tell that to."

"And how did you two meet? The administrative assistant and the dog trainer."

"At the gym," Kensi said. "It's true."

"I love that story," he said.

"And you've been dating how long?"

"That's a tough one," Kensi said.

"Technically, three weeks," Marty said. "Two weeks of which we've been married. But I guess that answer won't work."

"I thought you were dating when I met you," Julia said. "So maybe I'll use that date."

"That's sort of accurate," Kensi said. "Kind of."

Marty said, "I'm going to pay for this." He got up and walked to the counter.

"Yeah, covering that $40 check is quite the gesture," Kensi said. She looked at her mom. "I'm sorry I never met Michael, Mom."

"Me, too," she said. "But we can't change the past. Just, try to be done saving the country by 7, okay?"

"We will do our best," she said.

Then it was Wednesday and Marty was complaining. "I got beat up a lot today. I'm kinda not in the mood."

"Don't you even think about it," Kensi said. She was looking for something that said clerk. She didn't really have a lot of clothes that weren't jeans or tees or sweats and sports bras.

"I'm not really, I promise, but I am feeling really battered already. I hope the food is good," he said. "Also, it feels weird, like, playing myself." He stepped out of the bathroom and pulled on a pair of dress slacks. "And you need to change that dress. Those temporary tattoos from last week are still visible in that one. It's also a little more first date sexy than meeting Mom's friends."

She grunted and took the dress off. He said, "You could just run with the Elvish tattoos."

"I haven't read those stupid books," she said. She grabbed one of his button downs and put it on. Somewhere on the floor she found a very dark stretchy skirt and a belt. She was pretty sure the skirt was clean. "Don't roll up your sleeves, you have that burn from the bomb last week."

"Hey," he said. "Are we the assholes who didn't have your mom's party planning firm plan our wedding?"

"No," she said, grabbing a purse and shoving her keys and phone into it. "They don't do weddings, they're strictly professional conferences and company celebrations. I am the only asshole here because I'm the one who turned my back on my mom and never met my own stepfather -"

"Stop," he said. "Past is the past is the past."

She said, "Are you bringing your gun?"

He stopped at the door and said, "I was going to leave mine in the car unless you think it's going to get rowdy."

"Right, you're a cop." She pushed him out the door.

"Yes, I am," he said. "See? Weird."

She said, "Like, we're us -"

"But modified. Mostly you," he said. "I mean, I am a cop." They were in the car. He was really nice about always letting her drive. Then he said, "Oh, man, I love you dearly, Kens, but I also got punched in the stomach at least ten times today by that New Zealand guy. Can you try to, I dunno, not lurch as much?"

"He wasn't from New Zealand, I told you, his accent was from Singapore. Also, we need to be not late."

They were only five minutes late.

It was nice. Her mom was clearly thrilled to be introducing the two of them to everyone, no one called Kensi an asshole to her face and the food was good.

She had three glasses of wine and let Deeks drive on the way home. "That was nice," she said. "Weird. But good. Five people asked me if I was pregnant. Cause we got married so quickly. Which I'm not."

"I know," he said. "I bought the tampons last night."

"It was weird, though."

"You're going to keep saying that, aren't you?"

"I might be a little tipsy. How are you doing?"

He sighed. "Weird."

"Ha."

"Like, it's great how much how all those people love your mom. And I really didn't mind the four people who wanted me to fix their parking tickets. But this couple asked me about my family and I was like, right, what's my cover story? Oh, right, I'm me. The actual answer is my dad's an abusive drunk who's dead and thank God for that, since it's not like I'd ever want him to meet anyone I cared about, especially my wife. Mom's dead. I could say that."

"Did you?"

"I said my family's dead. And they reacted like perfectly normal people and were afraid they'd been rude, and then they said nice things about how now I have family with you and Julia. You know, they weren't probing or trying to find our real identities, just, like, people."

"I know," she said. "But we're people, too. I liked seeing my mom so happy."

"Me, too," he said.

XXXX

Deeks never wore his wedding ring on ops. He'd carefully remove it and put in the box on his desk. She did the same but mostly because her engagement ring, while very very pretty, was also very memorable. "If it was just a diamond, no one would remember it," she said. "People remember art deco design with rubies."

"You didn't seem like the diamond type," he said. "Also, I didn't want to hear Eric's four hour lecture about blood diamonds again."

"I love my ring," she said.

They had an op where they played married for three hours. Marty asked for fake rings because he said their real rings were for them. Hetty nodded and said, "I agree."

But then they were called in to fix something the NSA had screwed up. Deeks got the nod to be the one in the bar. She was outside in the car with Sam. Callen came over the com saying, "Maybe this would work better if you took off your wedding ring, Deeks."

"Shit," he said. "It's off, in my pocket."

Callen said, "If you blew this -" He paused. "And that's her, right next to you."

Then they heard the irritating sibilants of the Prone To Cheating Girlfriend of the Arms Dealer the NSA had lost track of. PTCG said, "Where's your wife tonight?"

"Working the pole," Marty said. Sam smirked at her. "Which I am fine with. That's how we met. She makes a ton of money up there. What I mind is that she's fucking the bouncer and thinks I don't know."

"I hear that," the skank said.

It only took twenty minutes for Deeks to get her back to the bathroom. Kensi looked over at Sam and removed her earwig. "Let me know when I need to start listening again," she said.

Sam nodded.

They waited another half hour before Sam said, "Callen and I are going in now."

She put her earwig back in but she didn't hear anything until Sam and Callen were busting in to arrest them. She drove to the boatshed as they'd planned when it was clear they didn't need back up.

The wrap up took longer than she'd thought. When she got home, it was like walking into a steam bath. "How long have you been showering?"

"A while," he said. "Lots of exfoliating." She found him sitting on the bedroom floor, brushing Monty's teeth.

"I'm okay, if you were wondering," she said. "With tonight."

"Good," he said. "It is our job." He finished with Monty's teeth. Then he was patting the dog's head and hugging Monty close, their nightly ritual. He said, "You've done something like this four times just since we got married a mere seven weeks ago."

"Right," she said. "And you're good and I'm good. You don't need to, you know, exfoliate. Though I know you love your body scrubs."

"Yeah, you didn't actually get anywhere near Shania, did you? I was scrubbing her perfume off. Wow, she wore it strong. I don't even know what that was. I think it's still all over my clothes."

He always left his dirty clothes in the hamper so she walked over to sniff. "Oh my god, you're right," she said. "Can we do laundry right now? Please, tell me you got your ring out before that smell got on there."

He waved his hand at her so she could see his wedding ring. "I think it's that Justin Bieber stuff."

"Then I am not a Belieber," she said. "Please, please do the laundry."

XXXX

She did enjoy coming home to him, or being there when he got home, depending on who had the better route from the Mission. She liked watching TV with him, and the way he'd get so obsessed with the commercials promoting other shows. He liked to repeat lines that he found faintly ridiculous. "I'm after the truth so get out of my way and let me find it," he said, forty times a day. Monty started barking every time he got the first two words out.

"I agree with Monty," she said. "Please stop." But it was adorable.

"You don't have newlywed glow, it's Stockholm Syndrome," Sam said. "Living with him."

"Ha," Marty said. "If anyone has Stockholm Syndrome, it's me, not her."

She said, "Really?"

"Really. I've come around, you've convinced me, the best use of the floor is storage. We should put everything on there - clothes, plates, books, vital medicine for Monty."

Kensi said, "I think Monty's over-prescribed. Does he really need doggie Xanax and doggie Klonopin?"

Marty said, "That's a discussion we could have but I actually meant that you put his bag of pills somewhere in the bedroom and when I asked where they were you said 'I think it's the pile by the bed.' I don't think you were protesting Big Doggie Pharma there, sweetiebuns."

"Deeks talks way too much, Kensi is a mess, the end," Callen said. "I was hoping you'd two find a different theme."

Deeks said, "Way too much?"

Sam said, "Way too much. I don't know, G, I don't need a new motif."

"You're afraid it will involve their sex life," Callen said.

"God, yes," Sam said.

"Our sex life is fantastic," Marty said.

"Really have to agree with that one," Kensi said.

"And that's enough, thank you for letting us know," Sam said.

XXXX

"Happy three month anniversary," he said when she woke up.

"You, too," she said, snuggling closer. "Hey, have you noticed Hetty has yet to talk about the work part of us being married? I am almost positive there are rules about that sort of thing."

"I'm sure of it," he said. "I actually read those rules, we should not be on the same team. Definitely should not be partners. But somehow we are."

"Isn't there an exception since you're not NCIS?"

He shrugged. "Nope. Hetty's just, I don't even know. I guess NCIS is just letting her have this one."

"We're a great team," she said. "Maybe they won't notice until we screw up."

"You're so adorably cheerful in the morning," he said. "Can we have anniversary sex now?"

"Is it sad we celebrate our month anniversaries? Should we stop?"

He smiled and grabbed her ass. "How about when we hit 100?"

XXXX

They teetered into the hotel room, her mostly pretending to be drunk and high, him pretending less. She stepped out of her heels and pushed him against the wall, so they were visible through the window. Callen and Sam should have swept the room for bugs so they could talk all they wanted. "Thank you," she said.

He closed his eyes and breathed in and out very slowly. Then he said, "Thanks for what?"

"You know," she said. They were supposed to be a Eurotrash hard partying married couple who dabbled in arms dealing and other nefarious activities to finance their travels. Three retired French operatives were running a scam where they pretended to be DEA or NCIS and fake-arrested arms dealers, robbing them and taking over the deals they'd set up. They'd spent the last two days establishing themselves as perfect targets.

"Man, tonight sucked," he said. He rubbed his nose and slid down to the floor. "Come down here with me, Honeymuffin."

"Okay," she said. She sat down, kneeling in front of him. "You're going to be fine."

"Absolutely," he said. "Not my first time at the rodeo."

"So thank you for doing all that debauchery so I could do less." She unbuttoned his shirt. She touched his neck and felt his pulse racing.

"You did much less. Significantly less. Damn good thing for you that I love you. A lot."

"In order to maintain our cover, we should keep up, you know, the public sex." She undid his belt. She kind of liked it when he looked so tired and worn down. It was the wrong thing to be turned on by. On the other hand, she was happily married and turned on by her husband so, ergo, okay.

"This isn't really public," he said. He wiggled out of his pants. Then he sat forward and pushed her dress up to her hips. She wasn't wearing any underwear. "I do have to love any op where Hetty's telling us to make out all the time. And have sex. Even though we know there's at least four people watching us. I hope they're all appreciating my wife's gorgeous ass."

She said, "You love saying that." He loved handjobs, too.

"Hmm," he said. "That is true. Ass ass ass ass ass."

She kissed him as he pulled her forward. "Wife," she said. He gripped her waist and lifted her up. She lowered herself onto him. "You love saying wife." She loved having sex with him.

"I love my wife, that is true."

When they got into the bed, she felt under the pillow. There was her gun. "Thank you, Sam."

"And Callen," Marty said. "They got us our guns for when we get arrested tonight."

"I hope it's tonight," she said. "I miss Monty. Do you think my mom is giving him his milk?"

"Yes," he said. "She's completely up to date on his many anxiety reducing medicines."

Three hours later, she woke up from a very light sleep as the silent alarm tripped. "Wake up, Muffin," she said.

"If you're going to call me a pastry based nickname, you have to add something to it," he whispered. "I'm not just a muffin, I'm sweet or frosty or chipotle flavored or -"

"I should call you Chipotle flavor Muffin," she said.

"No, please never do that," he whispered. The scammers were still in the outer room. "But don't just call me muffin."

"The things you have rules about blow my mind," she whispered.

Then the scammers burst in, shouting "Hands up! Federal Agents!"

'What What What, OH MY GOD, who are you, what is going ON?" Marty went right into his very loud and very talkative persona. She clutched at the bedspread to cover herself and joined in the hysteria.

"Why would you arrest us, OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING?" The French idiots took two minutes to quiet them and therefore didn't have time to search the bed before Sam and Callen came in. Between the four of them, they killed two, wounded the third, while not giving away she and Deeks were undercover. While not under any covers.

Sam said, "And now, please, can you two put on some clothes?"

"Aren't you arresting us so we can keep these aliases alive?" Deeks sat back on the bed.

Sam closed his eyes. "Yes, we are but I am not perp walking you past that one guy until you put on some drawers."


	4. everyone's so unhappy

The worst day of her life started at 4 am. Kensi woke up for a moment. She felt overheated and prickly. She murmured in his ear, "move over."

"You move over," he said but he shifted slightly away. "Go back to sleep."

So she did. She woke up at her normal time. "I don't feel like running this morning," she said.

"Then you definitely shouldn't run," he said. He was already up and dressed. He kissed her and she felt his wedding ring cold against her cheek.

"Do I feel hot to you?" She watched him picking things up around the bedroom.

"Like, sick? No." He looked at her for a long moment and then said, "No, you're fine."

She wondered what he was thinking. She should have asked. They both noticed her period was late. "Where are you going?"

"I take back the part about you being fine. We talked for twenty minutes last night about you not being part of this thing with Callen and the white supremacists -"

"I think I can read as pretty Aryan," she said.

"Are you bragging?"

"No," she said. "Be safe."

He kissed her again. "I will endeavor to do everything possible to always come home safe to you."

It wasn't prescient, he said that all the time.

She did paperwork at her desk. She worked out a little and complained to Nell she felt off. Deeks sent her a text at 10 am: see you after lunch. i maybe got a surprise for you.

She replied: i hate surprises. I don't want it. I love you.

He replied with 100 words on how much he loved her, to show her up, he wrote. He always sent texts like that.

Callen came back around 1pm, Deeks didn't.

She panicked after an hour. Callen said they'd finished, Deeks went one way, he came back. She sent Marty texts, called him. Then she went up to Ops and told Eric and Nell to find him.

It was excruciating the way time moved and lurched around. The next three hours went by in a minute of painful protracted waiting. All she could taste was bile, so strong she threw up at some point. "I know something's wrong," she said to Hetty.

"I know," Hetty said.

There was no value in being right. She sat with her knees by her chest in his chair when the detective from LAPD called. Sam and Callen ran out and she stayed where she was in her ball. Hetty walked by her, her face serious while she talked quietly on her phone. Kensi couldn't concentrate enough to read her lips.

She sent Marty another text, just you promised me. He was going to laugh at her when he came back and he was totally okay.

He would totally understand why she had freaked out.

One night they were watching tv and there were cops at the door on the show because someone had died. The woman who answered just started screaming. Deeks had winced. She'd thought, I am a cop's wife. She'd always assumed they wouldn't come to her to tell her, she and Deeks would get blown up together, he'd get shot standing next to her. It wouldn't be news to her. Except she'd imagined wrong, she thought. Or she was wrong, he would be back. The edge of the desk bit into her shins.

Sam and Callen were back. They didn't have Deeks. Hetty walked in an older man with the saddest eyes Kensi had ever seen.

They were all in ops. There were pictures on the screens. She didn't recognize any of them as anything but colors and angles. The older man said, "Hetty, I have nothing to add to this profile."

She said, "Profile?"

Everyone stared at her like she'd burst out in song. Finally, Callen said, his voice full of kindness that made Kensi want to beat him to death, "We think Deeks been taken by a serial killer."

"Really? A serial killer," she said.

Hetty said, "For the last 12 years, the killer, believed to be male, has abducted 15 men that the authorities know of. There are signs of struggle and personal identification left at the scene of the abduction and then, a body burnt beyond recognition."

She stared at the screens. They would keep talking, she knew. Callen said, "The detective in charge of this case at LAPD knows Deeks. He says he asked for the case file a month ago. Detective Reynolds thought of it when we reported back from the alley. Where we found Deeks's jacket, shield, wallet, phone and ring."

"Oh," she said. "You seem very sure about this."

They talked around her more. One of the pictures on the screen was the bottom part of a dumpster on wheels. The wheel and the screw were red with blood. She saw a ring lying there. Had someone tossed it there? It seemed so mean. Deeks loved his ring.

Somewhere it was already bagged as evidence. She tried to breathe and felt like she couldn't stand. She leaned against the counter as the room spun.

Someone said, "Kensi."

She was sitting at her desk and the sad man was asking her questions. "Would your husband keep files at home?"

"No," she said.

Sam said, "I know where it is."

She said, "How do you know and I don't?"

"I sit next to him," Sam said. He pulled something from the second drawer of Deeks's desk. "And he didn't want you to see it."

She hated surprises. He knew that.

The sad man said, "The key to finding your husband will be figuring out what he realized every other detective who looked at this missed. Okay?"

She nodded and flipped through the pages. She skimmed the description of the victims. She stopped on the map. She knew that road. She pointed to the map. "This is wrong. That road goes all the way through. It's not on the map like that, or gps, Marty drove me that way a few times, he says it's locals only. See, these are parking lots, but you can drive straight through."

She heard them talking. A rise and fall and then they were making calls and going to do something. She felt awful. Something bad happened and she was just in a fugue. Marty would be doing something.

Sam and Callen came back. She could tell by their faces.

She went home. Someone drove her home. Monty needed to be walked, so she did. He seemed like he already knew. He looked up at her and whimpered. She kissed his head and said, "I'm sorry." They went back home. She sat on the floor and brushed his teeth. She scratched his head and hugged him tight. She walked into the bedroom and lay down on Deeks's side of the bed.

XXXX

They'd spent 23 weeks going back and forth about letting Monty sleep on the bed with them. Mostly it had been Marty arguing with himself. He changed his mind a lot.

She woke up to Monty growling by her knee and then saw Callen at the end of the bed. "Kensi," he said.

He didn't ask why Monty didn't like him. He just started talking. He said, "The DNA confirmed it, Deeks is dead. He started looking into the case because he was trying to locate Jack, your ex-fiance. He was right, Jack was victim number eight, back in 2007. Deeks had figured out the guy's hunting grounds and, I don't know, went to check it out, got too close. We were able to identify where he was killing, where the killing happened. But they were both already dead."

"Ssssh, Monty," Kensi said. She didn't care about any of it. People would keep telling her the same stupid story for the rest of her life. Marty was dead and there was nothing she could do anymore.

"We think Deeks somehow got a shot off, I don't know. I left that for LAPD."

She said, "I don't care." She took a deep breath. She said, "All I want you to tell me is that this just an op. Tell me he's okay somewhere and I promise I won't tell. I will be totally convincing, just tell me he's not dead."

Callen stared at her with his sad eyes. "I wouldn't do that to you, Kensi. I wouldn't do that."

"Please," she said.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm so sorry."

XXXX

Her mother came in the afternoon. Hetty had called her. She pulled Kensi close in the tightest hug. Kensi said, "I'm sorry I didn't call, Mommy."

"It's okay," she said. "I know how it is."

Hetty had come after Callen. The three of them had been just sitting there, watching Monty stare at the door.

"Mom," Kensi said. "I think I'm pregnant."

"Oh," her mom said. "Okay." She hugged Kensi tighter and then let go. "Let's go to the doctor and find out."

"Instead of staying here and staring at Callen and Hetty? Okay," Kensi said.

Hetty attempted to smile and looked sad instead. She said, "Kensi, I could help you with the funeral planning."

"I don't, I have no idea," she said.

"I know," Hetty said.

"He's a cop," Kensi said. "That's important to him, he should have all that. I don't care about the obit, neither of us are religious, I just want, I don't want anything."

"That's all I need," Hetty said. "Callen and I will take care of Monty."

"If we're still gone by dinner -"

"Medicine in his special milk," Callen said.

Monty looked at her, like she was the only one who knew how sad he was. "That's true, Monty," she said. No one asked her why she said it.

She pushed her hair back behind her ears and got in her mother's car. Kensi didn't really have a doctor, she got her physicals and check ups at the hospital, usually after she'd almost been blown up.

Her mom drove her to her own doctor. Kensi sat in the waiting room while her mother stood at the nurse's window, talking to someone. Kensi thought she must smell, she hadn't showered since yesterday, she was still in the clothes she'd worn the day before. She must have had numb and dead written in the bones of her face.

Her mom sat down next to her and held her hand. It was twenty minutes before she got called back.

She couldn't pee in the cup. She hadn't anything to eat or drink in about 15 hours. She said, "Sorry," to the nurse.

The nurse smiled and said, "I'll be right back." She arrived with orange juice, a bag of dates and crackers. "Drink," she said. "And then eat."

"So I can pee?"

"No, so you don't pass out when I get blood for the tests. We wouldn't normally, but you're special."

"I'm good with needles," Kensi said. The orange juice tasted good but then her throat felt thick with tears. She said, "My husband's the one who hates them." She wasn't exactly crying, but her eyes were wet.

"Eat up," the nurse said. She started the blood draw.

"You just have food lying around?"

"It's my lunch," the nurse said. "Dr. Jin explained, it's okay."

Kensi was pregnant, five weeks along, just like she thought. Baby, she thought. She touched her stomach and thought, sorry about that. Sorry. Sorry we conceived you pretending to be someone else. Drugged up someone elses, she thought.

XXXX

The funeral was elaborate, everything Deeks deserved. She sat in the front with her mother and Monty. She stood when she was told to and took the things people handed her. Director Vance came, she thought that was nice.

She saw Sam standing with a gorgeous woman. She said, "Is that his wife?"

"Yes," Hetty answered. "I believe he decided to tell her about his work for NCIS yesterday."

"I would have invited her to the wedding," Kensi said. Sam introduced her as Ro.

She had three days to be sad. She gave herself those three days to wallow. She cried when she got up. She sat at home and fed Monty and walked him. People had brought her food, she picked at it. Her morning sickness wasn't so bad. She took her pre-natal vitamins faithfully. She threw out all the beer and other booze. She cleaned her guns. She decided she would wait a month to deal with Deeks's stuff. She put it all away.

She let Monty sleep on the bed.

Day three Ro showed up. She smiled and said, "My husband just last night told me you're pregnant." She had two bags of things she put on the counter. "I've been pregnant four times, so I feel like a little bit of an expert. I guessed you don't have many friends who are moms, right?"

Kensi nodded. She thought Sam had two kids.

Ro said, "I miscarried at 10 weeks the first time, and our baby just stopped growing at 20 weeks the second time. The next two pregnancies were textbook perfect. I don't mean to make you anxious -"

"Oh, like it might happen to me? Yeah, that would suck," Kensi said. "Sorry, I'm not really at my best here."

"If you were, I think you'd be a sociopath."

Kensi smiled at that. They went to lunch and Ro explained all her gifts, mostly lotions and one baby book. "Baby books are all bullshit," she said. "Every one will tell you something different and they all make you feel bad. So just have one and only read it. This one's not so bad. Also, never go on the internet."

"Okay," Kensi said, flipping through the book. "Okay."

The next morning she broke the rules and went on the internet to make sure she was okay running. Luckily the internet was unanimous that she could run. So she did. She felt out of shape from 10 days of grief, but she managed her usual miles. She showered and went to work.

She saw Marty's desk as he had left it. She burst into tears and drove home. She tried again the next day with the same result. She got home from her run on the third day and sat on the steps. She was trying to decide if she could make it in or if she was being cruel to herself and the people she worked with when she saw Nate. Nate was walking up to her door carrying two boxes and a bag.

"You're late," she said, hugging him. "You missed the wedding."

"I'm sorry," he said. "I brought Deeks's stuff."

"I'm bumming everyone out, aren't I?"

"Yes," he said. "And they miss him, too."

"Right," she said. She forgot other people liked him.

They brought everything into the apartment and she told him to leave it in the corner. "I'm dealing with his stuff next month," she said. "I have a schedule."

Nate just looked at her. She said, "You think that's ridiculous."

"Nope," he said.

"Did they drag out of whatever deep cover op you were on to fix me?" Her voice sounded wavery and weak to her.

"I came back because I wanted to when I heard that Deeks had died. I wanted to help my friend." He sat down.

"How do you help? What, what is there to talk about? Is it helpful to anyone that I can't sleep and I miss him all the time and I just want to go back to work except I can't seem to do that -" she stopped herself before she started crying.

"It's probably helpful to you." He waited and she did start crying. Like every morning.

Nate came over every morning for three days. He said a lot of crap about how everyone mourns at their own pace and place and it was okay to cry and it was better to feel her pain than try to run from it. He liked to say things like, "Maybe you don't go back to work. Maybe it's always too hard to do this without him."

She was still sad to see him go back to wherever he was headed. She went into the Mission after lunch and found Hetty in her office. "It's good to see you, dear." Hetty offered her tea, of course.

Kensi declined. "It's too hard to keep track of what I can't and can drink these days. I've been sticking with fruit juice and water." She took a deep breath and said, "I don't think I can do this right now, Hetty. I think, you know, if I tried, I wouldn't be good. I'd try to protect the baby and that's no good."

"I agree," Hetty said. "There's nothing wrong with that, Kensi. It's the best agents who can assess themselves and know they aren't ready."

"Yeah," Kensi said. "I mostly feel useless."

"You're hardly useless. You've experienced a huge loss and discovered you're expecting at the same time." Hetty sipped her tea. She looked old. She said, "Agents Hanna and Callen had expressed some of the same feelings to me."

"They think I'm useless?"

"Hardly. They were both concerned that if you were out in the field with them, they would place you and your safety above mission objectives."

Kensi said, "That's sweet." She stood up. "I'm gonna go home. You let me know what happens next. With me, I mean. I can resign."

"You'll do no such thing," Hetty said. "But do go home and rest."

Hetty called her the next morning. She said, "Director Vance is transferring you to the Navy Yard. You'll be working with Special Agent Gibbs's team: analysis, research, interrogation."

"He gets stuck with me," she said. "I'll start packing."

"He is not stuck with you, Kensi. He asked for you."

She didn't really believe Hetty. Sam, Callen, Eric and Nell came over to help her pack up everything. "Everything goes into storage," she said. "Not all my clothes, and a few other things, but, you know. I won't fit into my clothes soon enough, right?"

It took them all a whole day. Especially since none of them would let her pick up anything heavier than a stack of towels. She sat on the front steps with Callen after everyone else had left. He said, "What did your mom say?"

"She said she'll miss me but she loves visiting DC. I said she better because I am going to be so lost when this baby comes. And all eight months until the baby comes."

Callen said, "Maybe we'll come visit, too."

"I would love that," she said. Monty trotted out and sat between them. "Callen, do you think Gibbs really requested me for this transfer?"

"Probably," he said. "He'll never tell you this, but his first wife and daughter were killed years ago. He knows what it feels like to lose your spouse."

"Oh," she said. "Good to know."

"Also, Abby will take over your life if you let her."

"I am so going to let her," she said.


	5. but our decisions change our design

Nate wrote her a letter from wherever he was declaring Monty a service animal so she could have him with her on the plane. "The only service animal who probably needs his own service animal," Sam said. They were all subdued, eating in the Mission on her last day in California.

She still couldn't look at Deeks's empty desk. Maybe when she was gone, they'd arrange everything so people weren't reminded that she and Deeks had been there.

The flight was boring but felt like hell. Monty did keep her from screaming at someone or spending the whole flight crying. It's hormones, she thought. It's because I'm pregnant.

She was so tired when she got off, she sat down on the floor in baggage claim and tried not to cry. Monty kept close to her, trying to look intimidating. "You're the best," she said, cuddling him.

"Excuse me," she heard. She looked up. "I'm McGee, uh, Tim McGee, I think we met a few years ago."

"Right," she said. Monty growled.

"Why doesn't your dog like me?"

"Um," she said. "Were you recently around explosives?"

"Yes," he said. "That's why I'm here. I'm going to drive you to Gibbs's house. He has a room for you. But he's wrapping up this case."

"Monty was a police dog. Bomb sniffer. He probably smells accelerant on you." She pushed herself up to standing. "It'll be fine."

"He really doesn't like me," McGee said.

"He's quirky," she said.

They got to Gibbs's place past midnight. The light was on, though. McGee helped her carry her bags up, even though Monty was trailing him with a low growl.

"Your dog doesn't like Tim," Gibbs said, opening the door.

"I smell like bomb to him," McGee said.

"He's a bomb sniffing dog," Kensi said. "He's really good at it. He's just had some trauma, you know?" She was trying to explain and sounding very defensive. She said, "Sorry, I'm really tired. Come here, Monty, stop harassing the poor guy."

McGee beat a hasty retreat. Gibbs showed her the guest room. "Until you find a place." There was a pregnancy pillow on the bed. "Abby got that for you."

"I'm 10 weeks pregnant, I don't really need the pillow."

"I know," Gibbs said. He left her alone.

"Here we are, Monty," she said. She patted her stomach and thought, here we are, kiddo.

XXXX

It wasn't a bad job, working in DC. Abby helped her find a place, decorate it, get an ob-gyn, sign up for pre-natal yoga, find a vet for Monty and generally have a life of any sort. "Abby comes on a little strong," Ziva said.

"I don't mind," Kensi said. She'd turned into someone who liked to be lead around. It was just easier. She woke up sad, went to work sad. She really didn't mind Abby's enthusiasm.

The work was good. She was good at the interrogations and she was helpful to the team. Gibbs even said so.

She was going to have a sad baby, she thought. Her sadness would leech into the child. She tried not to think that way, but it was hard to stop.

Gibbs was driving her home from work after Ziva and Tony "seized" her car to pursue a suspect. She said, "It never gets better, does it?"

"Not really," he said.

Her tummy got bigger and bigger. She went by herself to the appointment where she found if it was a boy or a girl. "Girl," the doctor said, smiling. "We're very sure."

"Okay," she said. "Thanks."

She called her mom and told her the news. She emailed Nell so everyone in LA would know.

"I should be more excited," she told Abby.

"You should be whatever you are," Abby said. "You will have the rest of your life to be super duper excited as I'm sure you will be for your extremely adorable little future spygirl."

"You're sweet," Kensi said.

She talked to the baby. She didn't tell the baby she woke up three or four times a night and even 3000 miles away in a different bed, she was always convinced he would be there. She didn't tell the baby she thought she heard his voice sometimes and it made her want to scream.

When she was six months along, she was roped into helping with an op. She was torn between excited and scared. "Can I have two bullet proof vests?"

"I think that might give you away," Tony said.

"I don't want anything to happen to my girl," she said. "Okay, it is just a simple plant the bug."

She marched into the reception area, Tony trailing behind her. The receptionist said, "I'm sorry, you can't - "

"I know," Kensi said. "I know. But my stupid husband said we should have dinner out while we still can." Tony looked sheepish. "He's not the one with the baby inside, jumping up and down on his bladder. Please, please, I beg you, let me use your bathroom."

Kensi cupped her belly and pushed it up to look bigger. "Please?"

The receptionist nodded. "Okay, it's over there to the left."

"You are wonderful," Kensi said. She looked at Tony and said, "You are awful."

She was back in five minutes, thanking the receptionist again and pulling Tony with her outside. He said, "What took you so long?"

"I actually had to pee," she said. "It was a really nice bathroom."

She looked down at her hands. She'd worn her real rings, pretending to be married.

XXXX

Since Ziva was the one who asked, Kensi agreed to a simple surveillance gig two months later. She sat on a park bench with Monty, reading what looked like a Kindle for three hours. She was really taking pictures and videos of people coming in and out of a coffee slash antiques shop.

Monty was sweet but not much of a conversationalist. She was used to company on work outings like this.

She called Nell. "Are you busy?"

"Nope," Nell said. "It's good to hear from you. It's lonely in here."

"Eric's still not back?"

"Apparently," Nell said, "recovering from being poisoned takes more than a week. I think he might be slacking."

"Maybe he's hiding from Hetty," Kensi said.

"Maybe," Nell said. "I don't know why he thought he could drink Hetty's tea."

"Some smart people are remarkably dumb," Kensi said. "If we were skyping, I could show you the baby kicking - I have to tell you, it looks super disturbing."

"How is it disturbing? It's a baby," Nell said.

"It's my enormous 8 months pregnant belly literally moving from side to side as she moves around."

Nell said, "Have you picked a name yet?"

"No," Kensi said. She snapped three suspicious looking women going into the shop. Monty's ears were at up as he stared at them. "I can't decide. I don't even really have a list. I got nothing from my family - the ones I like start with D and the only time Marty and I ever talked about names, he apologized that we couldn't name our future kids -" little adorable ninjas, he'd said, making puppy dog eyes and chopping hand donations like, well, baby ninjas, "names that started with D. Because he said it would sound too much like Donald Duck, or something. I have to agree with that."

"I have to agree as well," Nell said. "Donna Deeks sounds like a superhero alter ego from the 50s."

"And I can't use names from Marty's side, I don't know, I think he hated most of them. Or he never knew them. And I don't want her to be the fifth Sofie in her class."

"Were you one of many Kensis?" Nell sounded skeptical.

"I was not and I loved that." They started talking about other things until McGee came to pick Kensi up. She said goodbye to Nell and promised to call again.

That night, she was trying to sleep when Hetty called. Kensi said, "Is something wrong?"

"Not at all," Hetty said. "I was speaking to Miss Jones and she mentioned your conversation. Specifically the baby name issue. I had a few conversations with Mr. Deeks about his family, so I thought I might be of service."

"He had a family member he spoke of fondly? Besides his mother," Kensi said. His mother's name was Dolly, a nickname for Dolores.

"A great grandmother he only met twice when he was very young. She was apparently quite the pistol. When he was choosing his new last name, he did a fair amount of genealogical research and he said she was the only one he'd wished he'd known better. She was a suffragette and a nurse."

"Please tell me her name wasn't Ethelberta," Kensi said.

Hetty chuckled. "No, but it was unusual. I looked it up myself to make sure I didn't remember wrong. Her name was Prairie."

"Huh," Kensi said. "I like that. Thank you, Hetty."

"It's a pleasure to help," she said. Hetty sounded sad.

XXXX

"Really?" Kensi stared down the guy in the ski mask pointing a gun at her. She liked working at the Navy Yard, but no one had ever blown up the Mission or gotten stalked there. She was 38 weeks pregnant and she wanted this done.

"Kensi," Tony said. "They are really holding us hostage. All of us."

The hostage taker waved his gun at the two of them. "You two are trouble. Back there." He separated Kensi and Tony from the other twenty agents and staff, and pushed them into one of the private conference rooms off the main floor. He closed and locked the door.

"There's five of them, one clear leader who just locked us in here. They know the layout," Kensi said, easing herself down to the floor. She rubbed her belly. "Also, I was the most likely to make people act stupid so they moved me out of sight."

"Yes," Tony said, examining windows and any other possible exits. They were all a no-go. "So they're smart. I hate when the bad guys are smart."

They didn't really talk the first hour as they tried to hear what was happening in the main room. "Of course Ziva and Gibbs won't raise their voices," Tony said.

"And they're the ones who are dangerous," she said. She was being a little sarcastic. She was pretty sure Tim could hold his own. But she did agree.

An hour later, her water broke. It wasn't like TV or the movies, there was no gushing waterfall. It did make a mess and she could not feel more gross. She also felt a sliver of panic. Tony sat down next to her. He was definitely panicked. "You're having this baby?"

"No, I'm having that baby over there," she said. "We've got time, I think. I guess. I haven't done this before, you know." She took a deep breath. "My mother was in labor with me for 28 hours. It was long enough my dad was able to fly back from Japan and be there when I came out." Saying it made her cry. She put her hands to her face and rubbed her eyes. "Okay. Okay."

Tony patted her shoulder. "You know, I was in love once."

"Oh, shut up," she said. "You've been in love more than once. Don't be stupid."

"Okay," he said and sat back. She saw the tip of his ankle holster.

"You have a gun," she said.

"Yes," he said. "Just like I'm sure Ziva and Gibbs have weapons still on them out there."

"Give it to me," she said.

"No," he said, looking confused.

"My water broke. I'm about to be very loudly in labor. Someone will come. They will think of you as the threat and me as the pregnant useless person. I'll shoot them and you can give Gibbs and Ziva the opportunity they need to grab control." She looked at him. "I am not having my baby in some stupid hostage situation on this floor looking at this rug. It will be in a hospital."

Tony handed her the tiny gun. Girl's gun, she thought. She heard Marty in her head calling her Wonder Woman. She put the gun by her hip on the side away from the door. She said, "I'm about to get loud. Feel free to be hysterical as well."

"I don't think they'll believe that," Tony said.

"Yes, they will," Kensi said. She started panting and built to full-fledged hysteria. Tony joined in and was incredibly convincing.

One of the hostage takers opened the door. Like an idiot he stood facing them straight on. She looked at him while she panted and cried, lifted the gun and shot him.

She tossed the gun to Tony as he got up and ran toward the door. "Sorry I missed," she said, going back to her deep breathing.

"Solid shot," Tony said, as he grabbed the guy's gun.

"I got the shoulder, I was aiming for center. Go, go," she said. Tony closed the door. She could hear guns firing and shouts.

She was definitely having contractions.

After some excruciating period of time, Gibbs opened the door and sat down next to her. "The paramedics will be in here in a minute."

"Good," she said. "Please call my mom."

"Already done," he said. "Abby."

"I don't want, I don't want anyone in there with me, okay?"

He pushed her hair back off her forehead. "Are you sure?"

That was his 'you're making a mistake but I'll let you' voice. "I'm sure," she said.


	6. raise our own family

Kensi's mom was sitting by her bed the second time she woke up after labor. She was holding Prairie. "Wow, Kensi," she said.

"I know," Kensi said. "She looks like a raisin with arms and legs. And hair. Babies have hair? Babies have this much hair?"

"Yes," Julia said. "Some do. You didn't."

Kensi said, "I don't want to know." She tried not to make it sound harsh, but her mom just smiled at her. Kensi couldn't bear to hear about her father right then.

Julia handed her the baby. Kensi felt utterly overwhelmed. But Prairie's little mouth opened and shut and opened and when Kensi put her to her breast, the baby latched on immediately and started sucking. "I think I can do this part," Kensi said.

"That's very good," Julia said. "Not everyone can. I didn't," she said, laughing a little. "So you're doing great."

"I'm so glad you're here," Kensi said. "This is all a lot to take."

"I remember," Julia said.

Her mother didn't ask about the labor. Kensi had hated it. It wasn't as painful as getting hit by a car or being punched in the face repeatedly. She just wanted it to be over, she hated doing it all alone. She hated that Marty was dead and she still had to be alive.

Prairie was really good at sucking. "How long are you staying," Kensi said.

"A month," Julia said. "If you can take me that long."

"I can, oh my god, I can," Kensi said.

Tony came in later, with a pretty blue onesie with a truck on it. "See, it's like being undercover. For babies."

"Thank you," she said. "Sorry I yelled at you so much."

He waved his hand. "I'm used to it. Do you know how many times I get yelled at a day?"

"You mostly deserve it," she said.

Prairie grunted. Tony looked down at her smiling. "I think your baby disagrees."

"She was literally born yesterday, what does she know?" She hugged Tony and said, "Thank you by the way."

The next morning, she was once again feeding Prairie when she looked up and saw Sam. She was pretty sure she squealed.

He had a box for her. "Ro sent all this. It's for new moms, help for breastfeeding. She told me not to put pressure on you to breastfeed, but I see you're doing it."

"If I weren't, would you not give me the gifts?" She tried to peek in the box.

"I would, but I would say, you don't have to use this. And some of it, I did not even ask her what you use it for." He sat on the edge of the bed and touched Prairie's hand. "She's beautiful," he said.

"I agree," Kensi said. "I think she looks like a raisin, but she's the most beautiful raisin ever, you know?"

"Yes," he said. "I am also supposed to take many pictures for Nell and Hetty."

"Eric and Callen don't want to see my little girl?"

Sam smiled. "I think they're going to look at the ones I take." He reached for Prairie. "I think she's done."

"All yours," she said. "As long as you give her back."

"Promise," he said. He cradled the baby in his enormous looking arms. He started talking to the baby. "Now, little girl, I knew your dad. And he was a good man." He dropped his voice so Kensi couldn't hear. She fell asleep trying not to hear.

XXXX

The first five weeks of Prairie's life seemed like a blur of people coming over, Kensi's mom sleeping on her couch, changing diapers, breastfeeding, so much breastfeeding, everyone at NCIS had seen Kensi's breasts, and not sleeping. Abby had set up a schedule that she was apparently enforcing. McGee and Tony came over looking scared if they were even a few minutes late. Kensi usually told them to walk Monty or clean. It seemed like everywhere Kensi stepped there was a mess.

She was willing to admit it was because she tended to just leave things on the floor. She wasn't getting a lot of sleep, that was her excuse.

There was no slow build this time; Kensi overwhelmingly, over-the-top-ly loved her daughter. She did look like a raisin with arms, hands and hair at first. But she was basically the cutest, most adorable baby ever. Kensi's mom agreed completely, of course. Monty seemed to agree, too.

At six weeks, she felt like she'd reached a sort of balance. She was on a schedule. Prairie slept at least partway through the night nearly every night. Kensi thought about going for a run or exercising and sometimes even started to put on her sneakers before she went back to wherever Prairie was.

She woke up when her foot twitched and kicked Monty who whined and settled back at the end of the bed. He was watching Prairie breathe. She watched Prairie. Kensi whispered, "You are not even awake yet. I think you've been asleep at least six hours, cutie." The puff of air woke up Prairie. She looked around and blinked a few times and then opened her mouth to cry.

"Gotcha," Kensi said. She grabbed her gift pillow from Ro and then brought the baby to her breast. "See, all good." Prairie flailed her hands. "You have hands like your daddy, I think," she said.

Monty jumped up and tumbled over to the door. Kensi pulled her shirt up on the side the baby wasn't using. Gibbs came in the door. He said, "Good morning."

"Good morning," she said. "Gonna walk Monty?"

"He seems ready for it," Gibbs said, patting Monty on the head.

"It's a little scary how much he likes you."

"It's just that I'm not McGee," Gibbs said.

When he got back, she said, "Can you take her - I just want to shower and change."

"No problem," he said. The baby fell asleep the minute Gibbs sat down.

"She really doesn't look like a raisin anymore," Kensi said.

"She looks a little like you," Gibbs said.

"More like him. In a good way. Except that she still has his hair," she said, going into the bathroom. She started crying in the shower and couldn't stop for ten minutes. She sat on the floor and rubbed her eyes. Marty was dead and she was never going to get over it. She pushed herself up to standing and went into the bedroom. She picked out one of her nursing bras and put it on.

She heard his voice in her head. "Really? Does it have to be that ugly? Come on, Kens, who are you? You're allowed to be hot."

"You've never shopped for nursing bras," she said. She got dressed and went back to the living room. She took Prairie back and Gibbs headed out. She was all by herself for an hour. Soon it would be hours and hours at a time, even days. In her sleep, the baby clenched Kensi's finger. I have no idea who I am, she thought. Don't know what I'm doing, she thought. She used to take action and do things. Ever since Marty died, she'd been simply putting one foot in front of the other.

"This," she said, "is probably grief talking. Is that what you think?"

Prairie squeezed her finger and kept sleeping.


	7. they follow a heart that's asked

She shows the letter to Gibbs. She explains everything. She waits for him to tell her it's wishful thinking.

But he doesn't.

Gibbs calls her into Abby's lab where he's set up a call with Hetty. "I told her what you said about the letter," he says. "I didn't tell anyone else."

"You think there's a mole?" Kensi adjusts her sling so Prairie stays asleep. "I mean, we're assuming someone seized the opportunity, not that the serial killer was a set-up, too?"

"Someone saw a chance to grab Mr. Deeks," Hetty says. "I'm sure of it. They must have already been watching him. And yes, there must be a mole or more than one in NCIS involved if they were watching him that closely." The background behind Hetty isn't the office or ops, so Kensi has no idea where she is.

"I don't know how the dna test comes back wrong otherwise," Gibbs says. "I checked with Abby."

Hetty says, "And you had Miss Sciuto see what she could find on the letter?"

"Mailed from somewhere in Nebraska," Gibbs says. "That's all. She thinks it's related to another case."

"Nebraska?" Kensi can't imagine Deeks in the midwest. Prairie wakes up, looks around, and falls back asleep.

"Nebraska," Hetty says. "It's a start."

They make plans. It feels so concrete. If Gibbs and Hetty agree that Marty is out there somewhere, then he really must be. Kensi is sure there is no way this doesn't end with Marty back.

XXXX

The flight home to California leaves very very early in the morning. Monty is more cooperative about it than Prairie. Kensi swears at one point Monty gives the baby a look like, "oh, COME ON." It makes her laugh as they sit down. Monty arranges himself at her feet like he's showing off how well behaved he can be. Prairie is still fussing and irritated. "How about some breakfast, baby, how about that," she says, getting everything arranged, grabbing the pillow for Prairie, and then opening her shirt.

She watches Prairie suck. Her eyes are still blue like Marty's, though everyone tells Kensi they could still change. Maybe the baby has Kensi's eye shape, though. Kensi thinks she's spending so much time figuring which feature came from whom, sometimes she doesn't even see the baby. "Do you think that," she whispers. "Sorry, Bug. I think you're perfect."

The flight attendant walks by and smiles at them. She leans in and says, "How old is she?"

"14 weeks," Kensi says. She feels proud, but she's pretty sure it's not actually her accomplishment.

"So much hair," the woman says as she slides around the passengers boarding.

"Everyone told me it would all fall out, but it's hanging on," Kensi says. She thinks, all that hair is from both of us, Muffin. She says, "Sorry, I know the rules," to Prairie, who is ignoring her. "Sugarmuffin."

She's in the front row, nursing her baby, with her dog at her feet, so, of course, everyone who boards is staring at her as they get on. Most of them quickly look away and push on past, a few give her a warm smile, but Kensi gets progressively more irritated at the adults who look and are clearly grossed out. She remembers the taxi cab driver the night Deeks proposed and smiles. "I won't do anything," she says to Prairie. "You don't have your dad's skills at improv yet."

She needs to appear like she's still mourning, still a mess. Which is not that hard, she thinks. And it would probably make sense to any observer that having a baby would start the getting over it process. "If I hadn't had you," she said quietly to Prairie. She thinks, if she hadn't had Prairie, she wouldn't have been there for the letter. She would have curled into a ball and never came out. Or thrown herself on top of a bomb or in front of a bullet.

So I will get him back for both of us, she thinks. Prairie gurgles and looks up at her, like she's saying, so get on that now, Mommy.

THE END.


End file.
